I came from a family of 9. I am number 5. My father was Transgender when he finally contacted me at 28. My mother was an alcoholic and I am sure mentally questionable, we had many men come home with her from the bars. She would encourage us to call them daddy so they might stay. There was rampant sexual and emotional abuse and out of control kids. My mother was overwhelmed I know. We were put into fostercare and the kids all separated even in foster care there was neglect and lack of guidance. Then at 15 I was turned out from the fostercare system. Thrown into life without home or anything stable I tried to go back to my mother. She had new boyfriend. Well one day when I was showering he came into the bathroom and watched me. Then he wouldn’t leave. He started touching me and it progressed to sex. One day he came to say he had been robbed while out on the road and wanted one of us to ride with him. She sent me. I told my older sister I didnt want to go I told her why but it did no good. So on the trip we found out that my sister told my mom and my mom then did all she could to locate us but we made it back to town before we were found. When she finally talked to me she told me she hoped she had some disease that he passed on to me. She kicked me out. I spent time living with an aunt who encouraged me to sleep with men to pay for bills, we both worked at a truck stop. I was trying to still go to school but my aunt made me quit to help out. I got involved with a guy and he was really into meth. My aunts boyfriend made it so we all were doing it. When I got pregnant I tried to do good things. One day I started gushing blood and went to the hospital. From all the abuse I had contracted endometriosis. I lost the baby. I spent time hospitalized for the infection and then for suicide attempts. I got my own place with my boyfriend and I got pregnant again my aunt lost her place and she moved in with me. Soon after my boyfriend left. Then I was put on bed rest for preterm labor. My aunt said if I couldn’t pay my part of the rent I had to leave. Long story short. I left had my baby and moved to Montana. Married a man and that turned bad. I had 3 other kids and lost them in divorce. I did my best but I was broken and I sought counseling. I was diagnosed PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. I crashed and bed ridden, working when I could and living off welfare and housing. But the one thing I did was go to church no matter how I felt about God. I had to go through the motions because it’s all I could do. After years and more problems the kids were placed back with me but I was not well and they suffered but we survived.
I moved out to Oregon for work after the kids were teens and found various jobs but one in particular was hell. My friend and I were targeted for our beliefs and then gas lit. I became manic paranoid hearing things feeling disassociated like a movie. I couldn’t control my feelings and outbursts. I spent the last couple years trying to get stable and still working on it.
I have been in therapy since 1986. First hospitalization was October. As a child I was not able to utilize what therapy offered because of my immaturity but I had someone to talk to and I wasnt alone in my head. Meds stabilized my thinking process and slowed things down to where I could at least not be so chaotic. But it wasn’t enough. I needed someone to lead me. At that point and at other points in life I needed someone to help me make the next move or to keep reminding me I am ok. My mind does not do those things. I can not do it alone because of the trauma damage. When I began therapy I needed someone to commiserate and validate my feelings and help desensitize the emotions so that I toughen up or what ever the medical term would be. But I was not in a place to have continual care and eventually I found reasons to do other things till I needed help again. What I noticed most is that they did not leave me feeling like the time was useful but that I just spent most time feeling sorry for myself and no real answers or guidance. I had no role models so I was lacking direction, not just direction but productive direction. I wished more time had been spent having me do homework or activities that got me feeling secure and not socially awkward. More focus on positive things that worked.
Talk therapy has been good in that I am not just thinking all alone. It has purpose but when I was in crisis and I was questioning everything my counselor told me that was a good thing. CBT. DBT. But it wasn’t. The few foundations I had to hold on to were now things that were not solid. On top of my struggle I was thrown more unstable thinking which made me feel even less worthy because society was telling me that being Christian and a conservative on top of voting for Trump made me even less of a person then I already felt and if I was a woman I could not be for who they considered misogynist, racist, homophobic, xenaphobic blah blah blah and if I was I should be attacked and demeaned. Where was I to go to find help? It was not ok to be an individual. I keep reaching out trying to find the help that’s right for me. The individuality of therapy is almost non existent. And if I have wrong think, then I need to expand my thinking. But I was not treating the problem I was treating how I need to think more openly.
I dont know how to express my frustration as I try to just get through the maze of life. For the unstable mind you need as much consistency as possible. You shouldn’t disrupt that stability. I am being as honest and open with my counselor as I feel comfortable enough to do so but I am feeling like I am teaching him. He admits the training he had did have some of the CRT in it and social justice. He said it made him uncomfortable. I shared Critical Therapy Antidote with him, he is open to this. Those things are not therapy they are just feeding the emotions of those who are still at the victim stage. I have expressed that I am not new to therapy and am more educated in the way I felt things should progress but they haven’t been. I find that it’s hard to relate and feel safe in this environment with those who dont hold the basic foundational principles and beliefs. I am battling all sides now. I have to stay tuned to know what to hate next so as not to make any mistakes that might get me cancelled. I dont want to hate. I just want peace. I started a new job as a Custodian in a school and the indoctrination and propaganda have begun to throw me a new loop. My counselor and I are trying to get it under control but I dont want to try any more. This battle with therapy and my emotions have made me drained frustrated and angry. I want help for the next productive step. Not to be told to rethink my thinking and question my beliefs. I give both my counselor and Therapist credit, they are seeing what I am seeing and want to try so I am willing because what other choices are there.